Be yOuRsELf

Today I went to Vijayanagar for the same old reason. I had wandered this same street nearly 6 years back, and I have had almost lost my mind until I received that call from her and she talked to me and she told me that she only called me up because she knew if she hadn't, I would otherwise do things which could best described as "weird" which is exactly I continued exactly how contiued to behave thereafter, for a very long time ever since I missed her. Remebering those old days, as i was roaming, i walked past the hotel, Park avenue, where once Dev and I had dinner on terrace. Just like any other moment, it was not a very enjoyable past-time but as usual, loaded with altercation short of physical fight. This time, we accused each other of having had no ambition and wasting our time in law school and finally we ended our dinner with a promise that we both will achieve something uniuque and better in life after we graduate (Infact he became a differernt person from the beginning of the our final year and I see, he is so determined to achieve what he wanted). I guess we were in 3rd year in col then and we both discussed not to sit for placement and of course never had interest in getting a Job even. we foresaw we were not the kind of people who would fit in the typical employer-employee relationship for he is some one who wants himself to boss others around and a power-hungry person and I am naturally pro-public and corporate-averse guy and and always dreamt about to be a genuine public-representative.

I went to the same hotel and had dinner at terrace. Nothing much has changed since 3 years . It was a crowded day may be since it was a weekend . After dinner, I went to a Paan-shop opposite to the hotel, and since I had some beer and was moderately drunk, I thought of trying a smoke, though am not a smoker and I hoped it would be cool thing to do . Actually when she smoked and as she would exhale, she would tell me, "ohhh Varman, what a feeeeellling". But I would snatch her ciggy immediately and throw it off. At hindsight I think I have had been really ridiculous. She had even asked me "what if I go to my room and smoke?" and to which I would just return her a dumb-ass/helpless look, hoping it would work and i know it would never have! Anyway all that memory came to my mind in a flick of a second, so I thought why not I try to get that same pleasure myself after all. I am not saying I never smoked but I never smoked a ciggarette like it should have been smoked!

I went ahead and bought a ciggy. This time I got the name of the ciggy correct. That made me feel proud about myself. I am not kidding. I had had made this mistake in the past when there was no ciggy with the brand name I asked for!! I needed a match stick. Instead I was provied with a lighter. I tried lighting the ciggy. But the ciggy was not burning, but what I saw was some white thing burning instead of tobacco. I could find no cause for such event. First I thought may be this cigaratte was not packed properly and I tried lighting it again. But it again had some problem getting burnt. By the time, I had to allow the lighter to be used by other customers whose ciggys were behaving like these disciplined children which made me feel a little uneasy and I felt a little low too.

I watched the other customers carefully and I again took my turn this time more sincerely and then started walking towards auto-stand, and I kept puffing the cigarette, trying to act cool, but also realising that I don't feel any tobacco smoke in my mouth. Later I found that the fag end of the ciggy was not burning at all. It pisse me off badly. I thought the cigarette was a bad one and I wanted, at first, to go compliant to the shop keeper about it but later I discovered how I lit the wrong side of the ciggy and that made me get angry over myself. Damn ciggys! both ends looked the same; all white and how could it have been my fault for I was not even a smoker?!! Having realized I should not have tried something which I knew I was not good at and that too just because I found others do it and I wanted to derive some hypocrite "coolness" out of it; I immediately threw the 'the-cause-of-the-problem' in the nearby garbage and told to myself to "Be Yourself" and took an nearby auto in which a cool Hindi song beginning with nice rhythmic acoustic guitar was playing, to reach back campus.